seven months, baby!

Hey, guess what? Today is my seven month anniversary of quitting smoking. I can hardly believe that it has been that long, but on the other hand, sometimes I can’t even believe that I used to be a smoker. When I walk by someone who is smoking, there’s still an attractiveness about the scent, but I am simultaneously disgusted by it. So, the journey continues.

I DID IT!!!!!

The last time I “enjoyed” a cigarette was March 18, 2005. It has been almost three complete months since I took a drag. Unbelievable, yet true, and fabulous!

Tell you more later. YAY!!!!!

day minus two

ok, so now we’re getting close to the aforementioned “quit date.” i thought this was supposed to be a helpful concept, but it seems like i am just feeling more pressure and am really dreading March 16.

but i also have these moments of straight-out optimism, when i can sort of imagine what it would be like not to smoke. and that’s kind of exciting. AARGH.

day four

ok. i had to share this INFOGRAPHIC from The Onion.

i don’t understand how smokers don’t cause more automobile accidents. on my way to work this morning, a big chunk of my ash flew off and landed somewhere in my lap. i totally freaked out and panicked, but i tried to remain calm and not crash my car, since i was only a few blocks away from my parking lot. but i was having visions of my car blowing up (i know… overdramatic…) and my seats melting, when pretty soon my leg started to feel warm. i looked down at the warm spot and i saw the fugitive ash on my jeans. luckily for me, it landed exactly on the seam, so my leg was not burned and i made it to the parking lot safely. but, wow, if anyone saw me get out of the car and jump around and try to make sure the fire was out, they must have thought i was a little insane!

anyway… just another reason to QUIT SMOKING!!!!

today is the first day that i took TWO Zyban instead of one. so, although i don’t think it will increase my resolve, i need to have faith that i will be able to quit.

i also went to the bar with my friend for a few drinks after work, and i was conscious of how i completely chain smoke when i’m drinking. we only had two drinks, and i bet i smoked at least six cigarettes. that brings up another question, should i quit drinking during the initial phase of not smoking, or would that just be more stressful?

day two

today is the second day of Psych Up Week. i’m not feeling very psyched up yet, but a little more today than yesterday. HealthPartners (out of their sincere concern for me and my health) gave me this chart called something like A Sure-Fire 50-Day Plan to Quit Smoking. there’s a big scary dragon on it and the gist is that you have to put the dragon to sleep. you can never really kill him, but the longer you go without a cigarette, the deeper his sleep becomes. the trick is that just one cigarette at any time, can completely wake him up and you have to start all over again. kind of dorky, but maybe it will help?

ex-smoker’s mantra

This is a great moment – an incredible time. I am making a conscious decision, an active choice, not to smoke.

I am strong enough to overcome the physical and the mental addiction of nicotine.

I am saving my own life. I will be years healthier. I will sleep more soundly. My lungs will be clearer. My circulation will improve. My blood will flow more easily. I will be breathing more oxygen. I will smell better and look gorgeous. Food will taste incredibly delicious.

I will save hundreds and thousands of dollars.

I will be a stronger person. Beating this addiction into the ground will be only the first step of a great and magical journey. I will be able to accomplish anything that I desire.

I will have boundless energy. My self-esteem will increase and my pride will return. Each time I choose not to smoke, I am closer to victory.

I am a great warrior.

I will be happier and more fun to be around. I will be a good role model for my nieces and nephews. I will be a better mother someday.

I can do this, one choice at a time. It will not be easy. I will remember that this short-term suffering is essential to avoid greater suffering later on.

My stronger sense of self will boost my power in every single area of my life. I will visualize future happiness and freedom! I will be able to go anywhere and do anything. I will fight this battle and I will win.

I can win. I will win. I am winning. I am a champion.

To this end, I pledge my mind, my heart, and my soul.

cognitive dissonance

i started taking Zyban this morning as part of an attempt to quit smoking. it seems so obvious that smoking is a bad thing, and i don’t quite understand how i keep convincing myself that it’s ok to keep doing it.

it’s unhealthy, expensive, inconvenient, pathetic, and it literally STINKS! i should want to quit; i will be stronger, healthier, richer, and all that good stuff. i will be able to run farther and breathe easier. my friends and family, who have mostly been very accommodating, will no longer be subjected to my horrible secondhand smoke.

even though i can easily recognize the risks and damage associated with smoking, i continue to smoke. i feel panicked and anxious and scared when i think about not being able to smoke. and i wonder how much of this is due to the physical addiction and how much is due to the psychological addiction, or if they can even be separated.

i have friends and family who are very supportive of my quitting efforts, and one friend in particular who tells me, “it’s ok, just quit when you’re ready, in your time,” but i am worried that day may never come. i can imagine myself as an ex-smoker who is beautiful and healthy and good-smelling, but the problem is getting from here to there.

anyway… i’m going to try it again, and maybe this dream is closer to reality than i think. feel free to join me for Psych Up Week as i convince myself that i really can do it and want to do it. i hereby announce to the world my intention to quit smoking on March 16.